Q&A: what do you think of my short story?

Question by Ray Charles: what do you think of my short story?
A girl stands on the edge of a familiar city building, her long dark locks and well fitted red dress highlighting her beautiful pale face. The intent, sorrowful look of sadness growing in her eyes as she stares down the bottom of the 12 story building. the rising smell of moisture and misty gloom casts a dark yet vibrant feel over the evening, and then in a fraction of a second she was gone. Jon awakes in such a freight his heart pounding with discomfort, the covers half way off the bed, Jon could feel that there was something really strange about these dreams, This is the third time this week his had the same dream about this girl, Is she real? He she trying to tell me something? These very questions plaguing John’s youthful mind. Jon sits on the edge of his bed head facing the floor as he re-thinks the dream, then he realizes the very thing that is always in the dream, the building, Jon stands up and walks towards his dark grey,patterned curtains, Jon swipes them open in eagerness, that’s when the realization sets in, Jon’s stomach twisting as he notices the tall well lit 12 story building staring back at him through his tiny apartment window, from afar he can almost tell there is someone up there, John squints as much as possible, but the dark figure, to hard to tell who it actually is. Wasting no time, Jon rushes over to his closet, he quickly throws on a light blue hoody and white creased t-shirt squeezing his trainers on as he lives his apartment.

Jon dodges city traffic and climbs 12 flight of stairs, finally he reaches the top, the rusty metal door lies anxiously in front of him,immediately Jon bursts through, to see to his own astonishment, everything he could of hope for was staring back at him, the girl of his dreams appearing exactly as she does in his dream, delicate with milky soft skin, The girl rotates her head towards him, the wind blowing past her mystical brown eyes, Jon’s legs beginning to shake with shyness as begins to slurp out the words “Are you okay?” The girl gives Jon a half smile then replies “Can you take me home?” Jon can feel the strangeness in the air he then says “Okay” Jon & the girl reach the bottom of the building both of them sharing deep conversation with one another Jon the happiest his ever been as they reach the city streets Jon walks with her past a few city blocks, the girl walking behind him, Jon then hears the words “Thank you for walking me home, thank you” the girl whispers. Jon turns around to his amazement the girl almost vanishing into thin air. Jon heads back to his apartment in high spirits of possibly meeting her again to tomorrow.

The next day Jon wakes to the happy hot sun, his excited smile too difficult to hide, Jon leaps onto his black leather arm chair in the living room, as he turns the TV on, the daily morning news appearing on the screen, Jon too far up in clouds from yesterday meeting with the girl he possible loves to worry about any news, but then the news anchor’s echoing voice to vivid to ignore, a picture of the girl he was starting to fall for appearing next to the news journalist.”The girl who leaped from a 12 story building 3 days ago has been identified as Mrs Andrea Mcarthy, the death was believed to be a suicide, her family & friends have said to have been devastated by the events.” the news journlists every word creates a dark void in Jon’s chest, Jon shrugs his head in disbelief, as he crouches onto the floor crying, the realization setting in that the dreams of the girl, was a sign that he could of saved her, if only he looked out that window 3 days ago he could of prevented her suicide, now her spirit will relive her death forever.

Best answer:

Answer by Sreya
It is a little cheesy, if you know what i mean.

Too much drama, tone it down a bit. Add a touch more bitterness between the two teens ( e.g. they slowly like each other, instead of right away)

hope i helped!

answer mine if you read tangerine by edward bloor!
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AiavW.g1u.H_ajz0fqUtmXnty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090714123229AAhrVWB

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